Difference between Samatha and Vipassana

[notes from Dhamma talks of Sayadaw Utanaka of Chyanmyay Yeiktha]

As the Burmese saying goes
“Samatha is the path of (temporary) enjoyment;
Vipassana is the path of realisation”


Samatha—calmness, serenity, tranquillity
Through samatha, you can temporarily be free from hindrances and defilements, for as long as the concentration is deep

Aim
-attain higher degree of mind, through deep concentration
Method
-there is a single object of meditation (in total 40, eg. Respiration)
- focus on the primary characteristic of the object intensely
-when mind wanders, you force the mind back to the object
-to gain purification and get rid of defilements, the mind must be absorbed in the object

Result
-enjoyment of deep concentration results in peace and tranquillity, and states of pure bliss (jhana); however only for as long as concentration is deep.
-psychic/superhuman powers are possible when the concentration is deep enough
-when you disengage from the object, defilements will return

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Vipassana—experiential knowledge; realising insight

Vi + passana
Nature of all phenomenon mindfulness and right understanding
Impermanence
Suffering
Non-Self

Together, the two words vi and passana mean:
“Realisation of impermanence, suffering and impersonal nature of body and mental experiences and qualities”

Aim
-elimination of suffering through the realisation that all phenomenon are impersonal
-this is done through insight into the three basic characteristics of all phenomenon; which are impermanence, unsatisfactoriness / suffering and non-self

Method
-all mental (mind) and physical (bodily) processes must be noted and realised, so all phenomenon are objects of meditations
Eg. When sitting, mentally note ‘Sitting, sitting’.
When thinking, mentally note ‘Thinking, thinking’
When angry, mentally note ‘Anger, anger’

-the mind must always note /be mindful of the most dominant thought, sensation, feeling etc. at the time
-concentration is deep, but not too deep, as you must be aware of ever-changing states and processes
-just see all phenomenon as they are; no judgements, no liking or disliking
-switch the focus of attention between primary and secondary objects

Eg. When doing sitting meditation, primary object is the rising and falling of the abdomen (physical process); a sudden memory arises (mental process), which is the secondary object; note this secondary object until it disappears; then return to the primary object of rising/falling of abdomen

Result
-realisation of the nature of all phenomenon
-deliverance from suffering, through the right understanding that all defilements and processes are impermanent, unsatisfactory / suffering and non-self

Cause of suffering, and the way to liberation

[notes from Dhamma talks of Sayadaw Utanaka of Chyanmyay Yeiktha]

All beings suffer because they do not see the world as it really is. When there is pain, we feel it is unpleasant and unbearable. When there is a good sound, we find it wonderful and feel happy. When we see a person we dislike, we feel anger and hatred.

But all these emotions, sensations and thoughts are just that: they are physical and mental processes which come and go, come and go, continuously and never-endingly.

Since we attach to our feelings and sensations, we suffer. We are constantly caught in a web of liking and disliking whenever we interact with the world around us. There is no rest because the mind races from one place to another, jumps from a memory to a plan.

The ultimate liberation comes from Vipassana.
In being mindful of each and every process and state we experience in our mind and body, we can purify the mind of its impurities and defilements which cause us to suffer.

When we are not mindful, we come into contact with something (eg. A sound, a sight, a memory) and become caught up in the object. We become involved and cannot detach from it

We then get a reaction as a result of this involvement/attachment to the object, which causes an improper attitude toward the object to appear
Eg. Anger / love; craving / hatred; like / dislike

The reaction causes the mind to be unwholesome, because of our previous experiences and nature we come to see/hear/feel the object through tainted judgements.

We must not get involved, we must not judge, we must not feel either pleasant or unpleasant. We must be aware of the object as it really is, whenever we see, hear, touch, smell, taste and think— this is non-judging, non-reacting judgement.

Because we think there is a person, a self or a soul that exists, that person (the “I”) has desires and aversions.

When we see all objects with intuitive insight, then there is purity of the mind.
When we note physical and mental processes, we realise that they are fleeting, everchanging, unsatisfactory, not permanent, and most important of all, they do not belong to us. They simply appear and disappear, but do not linger on.

"prosperity according to [one's] wishes"

meaninful sign

meaningful sign: all around Ajahn Chah's monasteries are signs which contain his short but powerful messages

meaningful sign: this one by the Lord Buddha

forest path

meaningful sign

at the crossroads

more forest (and kuti)

Kuti in the forest

more forest (kuti too)

new meditation sala at Wat Nanachat. Compared to Wat Nong Pah Pong, the international monastery is more 'foreigner-friendly'... and I came across four German lay-people while there!

the forest at Wat Nanachat is huge...I heard it takes an hour to just walk the circumverence of the forest!

Journey to Wat Nanachat (the International Monastery, branch monastery of Ajahn Chah's forest tradition). Suprisingly, the landscape in the area is quite dry and yellow...like somewhere in the desert!

the prepared food is then set on tables, and monks, nuns, lay-people (in that order) come collect whatever they want to eat, buffet style.

when the monks return from the alms round, the tradition is to re-offer the food again. This is done by a lay-person who assists the monks in receiving the food

the food offered are separated and then prepared by the nuns or volunteer helpers

monks returning from 'binde-bad' (alms round). The monks set off barefoot at around 4.30am, going to nearby villages for offerings from the locals.

morning light

Shrine built after Ajahn Chah passed away. Inside is an altar dedicated to the venerable. On the altar are many crystal-like stones, which have remained after the venerable was cremated.

The Wat Nong Pah Pong animal farm! With ostriches, peacocks, rabbits, doves...and even a crocodile (or two).

more forest

giant bamboo...they creek and dance in the wind

many cockerels and hens and chicks run freely around the forest

more forest

monks use the bark of jackfruit tree to dye their robes. By boiling the bark for a long time, you get a concentrated orange-coloured dye, which also has a sweet fragrance. All done by hand

forest well: back when there was no tap water, the resident monks had to fetch water daily from this well

kuti with robes hung out to dry

forest meditation place

another kuti

some patches of the forest are full of ancient bamboos, jumbled and towering above one another

another kuti

kuti hiding in the deep forest

forest way

a more modern kuti--everything is built by the monks living at the monastery

forest path

Kuti (wood hut) in the Wat Nong Pah Pong forest where the venerable Ajahn Chah lived

forest enlightenment

forest journey

Wat Nong Pah Pong

Entrance to Wat Nong Pah Pong

Day Sixteen: 22 January 2006

7.29
Bags packed, ready and waiting for the friend to pick me up. Still have a lot of luggage, but a little lighter. I guess I must still learn how to let go, how to drop things I do not need. And I don’t just mean clothes. Unsure what it is that is making my bags so bulky and heavy. Perhaps that’s how we go through life: carrying with us so much junk that are actually of no real benefit, but only help to slow us down and tire us on our journey.

Another step ahead, another country, another city. But wherever I may go and be, I (hopefully) take with me mindfulness,
and a peace of mind.

RGN-BKK: sun set from the plane

RGN-BKK: sun set from the plane

Day Fifteen: 21 January 2006

6.54
Final full day to practice. Should be diligent, determined and concentrated—not just today, but everyday and every moment I can. If I can get up for breakfast, why can’t I get up to practice? If I can groom myself for one hour a day, why can’t I use the same amount of time to groom my mind?

20.20
Final few hours at this centre. Just walked around once around the forest, ‘left, right’, ‘left, right’, and wished all beings peace and metta.

No regrets coming here. Though the stay was two weeks, it feels short now. The sayadaw said next time I should stay two months!

Many things I have learnt; about the Buddha’s teachings, about new techniques of meditation, about mindfulness, and perhaps also a little realization of the true nature of all phenomenon. But most of all, I discovered myself and saw myself (without the ‘self’) as a being with much anger, delusion, troubled thoughts and a mind which wanders. That enough is worth learning, reflecting in need of more observation.

My only hope is that once I leave here, I can bring my practice and what I’ve learnt with me wherever I go. May I remember, may I realise. May I not forget the valuable treasures and truths I discovered here. May I continue my practice and continue to trail down the path which rids the mind of defilements and suffering. And may I share the treasures with all beings so that they too can lessen the baggage they carry.

With metta…

RGN-BKK: sun set from the plane

RGN-BKK: sun set from the plane

RGN-BKK: sun set from the plane

RGN-BKK: sun set from the plane

Day Fourteen: 20 January 2006

9.05
Final Interview

Very important is to obsever the mind—note the wandering mind, note the thinking mind, note the lusting mind, note the intending mind. whatever you do, note the mind. IF you can do that, then the noting of bodily sensations and the hindrances to practice should be easy to note.

Realise the law of cause and effect. When there is anger, the mental cause results in bodily sensations as you described. When there is pain, the bodily sensation results in mental agitation, restlessness and desire to end the pain. This is the law of conditionality.

In daily life, continue with the practice you have learnt here. This is not the Goenka method: you can practice anywhere and in any condition. Aim to be mindful of every thought, of every intention, of every action. Aim to practice at one hour of sitting, walking and/or standing. When you lie in bed, practice lying meditation, and you can fall asleep easier. Do metta meditation everyday before each sitting to calm yourself and send loving-kindness to all beings.

Be mindful and practice whenever the opportunity arises. Whether in the car, on the plane or walking, there are many moments to calm and watch your mind. You will notice that what made you worry or angry before will be less troubling if you watch your body and mind processes.

Whether at work, at home or in daily life, note everything that goes on inside of you and note everything that is affecting you from outside. You will feel happier, lighter, healthier, and more at peace. Even if this body ages and falls ill, your mind will be healthy and still vital and full of life.

Practice every opportunity you have to be mindful and to note the mind. It will help you wherever you are and in whatever you do.

Living is practice, and every waking moment gives you countless opportunities to practice. experience yourself and realise yourself the teachings of the Buddha and Dhamma.

20.05
Just sat almost two hours without changing posture. Such concentratin: ‘Rising, falling’; ‘sitting, sitting’; ‘(hands) touching, touching’.

A few moments I felt drowsy and nodded up and down, but I continued with more vigour, and carried on with renewed concentration. Even the loud creaking insects or the squealing dogs didn’t bother me. And there were much fewer mental distractions too.

Just note this is impermanent. Don’t cling onto this elation and joy at having sat this long and at having had deep concentration. For all will pass, all is unsatisfactory, all is beyond this I-personality. For this is the Dhamma, this is the nature of all phenomenon and all experiences.

curious puppies, like the mind

clinging on

playful and naughty

Day Thirteen: 19 January 2006

9.18

In a matter of one hour sitting, the fog, the thick dense veil which clouded the forest, the path, and the day, had cleared. And what a glorious morning it is.

10.21
What is the sensation of anger?

It is heat, it is raging vibrations throughout your body. It is constant streams of sparks in the chest. The arms feel bloated, as if they are many times the normal size; the head feels dizzy. The heart races and pounds vigorously. The upper body tingles with heat and vibrations and the chest feels such oppression from within.

A rush, high on adrenaline, like going down the slope of a roller coaster. And what a kill it is to be addicted to such a high…A kill of my mind, a kill of peace, concentration, and that compassionate ‘me’ I thought I possessed.

19.55
As I sat, there was a strong itching sensation on my forehead. I mindlessly moved my hand to scratch, and as I did I felt it. And I felt regret. Should have known, that mosquito that had beeen irritating me inside my net was on my forehead. And I scratched it to death!

Though it was dark, I could see my finger was soiled with blood, and my conscience dirtied with guilt. Had I broken one of the precepts? There was no intention, just mindlessness. And it cost a life, however small and irritating, still a life.

I quickly sent metta to it, hoping the mosquito would quickly turn into a higher being, now that it is free from suffering. I wished it could in another life learn the Triple Gems and liberate itself once and for all from rebirth and suffering. But still my body and mind felt itchy and agitated for many moments.

After the sitting I took a look at the mosquito. a dried up corpse, a mangled mess of twisted legs and body. Soon to become dust and disappear.

first light

brighter and brighter

sunset over trees

Day Twelve: 18 January 2006

9.21
Interview:
That sensation of heaviness in the arms, it’s called ‘absolute sensation’. It happens when the mind is calm and concentrated and when you feel there’s nothing there: no arm, no me, no Myanmar, no meditation. Even if only temporary, it’s an insight into non-self.

Continue the practice with no aversion or attraction. Note sensations as they come and go. Note the hindrances, the anger, the worry, the planning, the sloth, the sleepiness, the temptation to look at the time. Note them and watch them come and go. At some point when concentration is strong, these thoughts and hindrances will arise, but even without noting them, they will disappear as suddenly as they appeared.

About overcoming sloth and sleepiness: The Buddha taught to twist your ears, to wash your face with cold water, to walk backwards and forwards quickly. If you are really tired, take a 10-15 minute nap. When you feel tired and sleepy, you can also note ‘sleepiness, sleepiness, sleepiness’ with strong vigour and speed. Or mentally shout ‘SLEEPINESS! SLEEPINESS! SLEEPINESS!’ And you are bound to become more awake.

It’s all a process of the mind and body: sometimes the body is just exhausted and wants to quit. Sometimes the mind is drained of thoughts and creates sleepiness to want rest. Note these processes and work diligently.

You could also try standing meditation for 15-20 minutes. It’s the same process: note the rising and falling, then standing; or add touching or sensing. It will help you also realise mind/body processes.

15.04
PAIN
It arose gradually on my left bottom. In the beginning, it was just like sprinkles of numbness. But the feeling intensified and became more continuous, until the pain became one long lasting sensation. I watched the experience, thinking it would soon disappear. It was like sitting on a lump of hot rock: there was intense heat as well as the sensation of hardness. The closer to the ‘epicentre’, the greater the heat, the denser the hardness, and the more unbearable the pain. I kept thinking: ‘pain, pain’; ‘unpleasant, unpleasant’; ‘impermanent, impermanent’; ‘only body process, only body process’; ‘not part of self, not part of self’…

But the pain persisted for what must have been over half an hour. At times it got so intense, I wanted to change posture, or to simply stand up and walk away. Then I remembered Sayadaw Chanmyay’s words: “Pain is the key to nibbana; you are lucky to have it!” So I sat on, but my eyes kept opening, watching the time. My entire body heated up, and I perspired all over.

Then it seemed like the pain retreated for a while. But only to regroup again and become more intense. This happened numerous times. Retreating, regrouping, retreating, regrouping, like an army of nerves poking at the muscles on the left bottom.
Impermanence, not-self, rise and fall. Patience, vigour, endurance. Eventually, the pain became overshadowed by another intense sensation. this time on the left thigh and knee. Shooting streams of cold and hot sensations, as if the left leg was about to be torn open.
Again, I endured it, but often it seemed so impossible and time passed so slowly. Then the clock ticked three. Sigh of relief as I stood up. But realized that this relief and ‘painless-ness’ are merely temporary, as the pain sensations were.

Even now, where there was pain, the insides of my body feels warm and slightly numb. As if those soldiers of sensations are taking a rest, ready for another blow soon…

morning glory

one silent dusk

Day Eleven: 17 January 2006

18.01
Practice is going ‘well’, I guess; no great disturbances or agitations today, so far. When they did come, I turned them against themselves, I observed them, saw them in a good light. For, often all it takes is to flip something around and something negative gives rise to something positive, something bad gives birth to something good, and someone seen as ill-hearted also becomes someone kind. For all things and persons and feelings are relative, ever changing and mere names.

See through all this, and life, existence and breathing becomes much lighter. And that requires persistent, determined and patient practice.

21.18
Such calm, such peace, just the rising and falling of the abdomen. Even the back pain of the last couple of days seemed to have disappeared. Nothing, not the orchestra of insects, not the squealing of puppies, not the honking of passing traffic disturbed me.

Then, out of nowhere:

‘Lusting, lusting’
‘Craving, craving’
‘Desiring, desiring’

let it shine

let there be light on the meditation hut

...and then there was light

and the forest was lit

Day Ten: 16 January 2006

6.55
A dream: on express train, somewhere near Keelung. The scenery outside is beautiful. Ocean view, jagged and impressive rock formations, beautiful villas. But I am troubled, because I need to meet dad for some reason. I hesitate, whether to call him, and where the best place would be to meet. I wonder if he actually did want to meet, because otherwise I could stay on the train and continue my journey. Then the train stops and moves rapidly backwards, even derailing partly as it rushed to the end of the line. It cannot go further. I wake up.

9.40
Interview:
Now you realise the nature of natural processes; you realise there is no me, no Chinese, no Japan, no Myanmar. No need to attach, no need to cling onto self.

And you’ve also realized the nature of impermanence. Where there is pain, watch it rise, watch it intensify, then watch it eventually loose strength and watch it disappear. Impermanence, just like with all mental and physical phenomenon, like all sensations, all thoughts and feelings—all are impermanent.

But be aware of the mind. Follow the thought as it comes; don’t let it control you and your emotions and bodily movements. This is the most difficult to note out of the Four Foundations of Mindfulness. The body is easier to observe, sensations are easier to capture, mind objects are just the hindrances to practice [sensual desire, ill-will, sloth and torpor, restlessness, and doubt], which can be noted. But the state of the mind: its attractions, its aversions, its feelings and thoughts can be wild, deceiving, illusions and memories. Be aware of them.

And be mindful of all actions. Slow down to note all the different processes within you, note the cause and effect of inside of you which manifest in your body and mind. It is with mindfulness that you develop concentration for deeper insight.

Meditating one or two hours is enough at any one time. There must be balance: don’t force meditation the whole day, because it will have no effect, and will rather cause you more agitation.

In the Buddha’s time, there was a bhikkhu who meditated day and night, without sleep and food. The Buddha told him he must maintain balance, because without a balanced mind and without a balanced body there can be no insight.

14.51
How morbid! While sitting just now thoughts of death came and remained for some moments again and again. Images, words, scenes and thoughts of a funeral…

Did something happen? Is something wrong at home? Thoughts wandered to the moment I return to Europe. And the thought I most likely will have at the airport, when I see dad : will the last time really be the last?

No sadness, just regret, that should something happen to him (or to me) that we had to end on a bad and disturbed note. But what good is regret, sadness, mourning and tears if nothing changes in the present to make sure the future is will not be like that?

‘Thinking, thinking’
‘Speculating, speculating’
‘Planning, planning’

Morbid perhaps, but realise that it was neither pleasant nor unpleasant; realise that they were merely mental processes coming and going. And now they have gone.

Perhaps the reason I’ve been feeling agitate and restless in recent sessions of meditation is because I had ‘pleasant’ experiences in the past. And because I cling onto that ‘pleasantness’ I now suffer each time the meditation is ‘unpleasant’.

Realise this, the cause of suffering. Realise that there is no pleasant or unpleasant, no good or bad meditation. Just bodily and mental processes rising and falling.

golden rays

glowing

Day Nine: 15 January 2006

8.43
One more week to practice. Must remain calm, focused and mindful. During the interview, the sayadaw reminded me the importance to follow the mind; to know and watch the mind wherever it goes, whatever it does. Only in knowing all the mental and physical processes can we be free from suffering.

Why is there agitation? Because the mind is constantly clinging, constantly wanting. The mind is always changing from one moment to the next: happiness, depression, joy, frustration—all temporary states of the mind.

Realise the impermanence of all beings and states, realise their unsatisfactory nature, and realise that they come and go, and that they are not part of the person you are.

The mind is very flighty: it wants to be free to wander and to wonder. But you must follow it, observe it and all its forms. Don’t try to control the mind, but tame it so that it is less wild.

And when the agitation or frustration is intense, do metta meditation. You will be happier, more serene, less troubled and less hot. And the mind too will calm down. Only with calm and in calm can you see mental and bodily processes. Only then can you see the nature of all processes and states as impermanent, suffering and non-self. Experience for yourself, realise the nature of all beings, and set yourself free.

Try.

17.30
After a week and only now do I realise the importance of slowing down, of being mindful of all your bodily actions!

While walking earlier, I noticed how we normally are so quick to take a step forward. But actually that one step is made up of hundreds, if not thousands of actions: the lifting of the heel; the sligt raising of the whole feet; the pushing of the feet forward; the dropping of the feet; the touch of the heel, then the touch of the toes; the pressing down of the whole feet; then the momentary standing action before another step is taken. And in between each step, so many muscles, tendons, molecules and nerves are working. And in between each step lies an intention, a process which rises in the mind before the body rises into action.

Slow down, and you will see it all. Even as I write now, the movement of the hands, tension in the fingers, the sliding back and forth of the arm, the blinking of the eyes, the shifting of the entire body…and all the time, the mind races on to capture, note, signal and deliver the next word which completes this thought and sentence. Miraculous!

And now do I realise the meaning of non-self (sort of). these two processes of mind (intention) and body (movement) continually rise and continually fall. There is not just the one process of ‘walking’, or just the one process of ‘writing’, or ‘eating’, or ‘desiring’. They are each so many different and separate processes, each so many and separate physical (body) and mental (mind) phenomenon rising and falling.

So where is the self? Where is the I, the he, the she, the it we claim to be, and claim to attach to? Just natural processes, nothing more, nothing less.

glimmers of a bright day to come

radiating everywhere

Day Eight: 14 January 2006

14.48
Feeling restless and ‘thoughtful’ (in a less mindful sense) today. Had a less sleepy and more concentrated start to the day, but now really difficult to do walking and sitting. Thoughts keep on arising, no matter how I label and chop them off at the head. And this eye keeps on wandering, wanting and tempted to see what is happening all around.

17.12
All I needed: a boost in the purpose and method of Vipassana meditation! The Dhamma talk did wonders. Again, realizing the impermanence of mental states.

21.20
Let this be an early night. While sitting, I felt such a forceful surge of anger and frustration, again surrounding the events at home.

Strange, all I need to think of are the words still not said; all I need to do is imagine scenarios of what may eventually happen (but probably may never happen); all I nee to is speculate the responses of those involved, and my mind begins to race and roll on and on and on. All the time, teeth tightening, chest heaving, heart racing, abdomen heating up, lungs filled with such intense and oppressive air that seem poisonous but cannot be vented…

Such rage, such fire! And all the time, I burn myself. I burn my insides, I keep on rolling, rolling in emotions, in feelings, in abstract events and voices that have not even taken place yet. All the time, I burn myself, while my objects of frustration and rage are probably sleeping soundly…

An intense but powerful lesson.

May I be forgiving,
and be forgiven.
May I be understanding,
and hope to be understood.
May I learn to accept,
and hope to be accepted.
May I free myself from frustration,
and hope frustration frees me.
May I be free from anger,
And hope I be filled with kindness.
May I forget,
And hope not to be forgotten.
May I hear,
And hope that I be heard.
May I see,
And hope that I not be overlooked.

May the objects of my frustration, anger and agony be free from my ill-will/
May they forgive me for my momentary indulgence in uncontrollable temperaments.
May they be happy,
May they be understanding,
May they be peaceful,
May they be accepting.

For this young meditator still has a lot to learn, see and realise…

breaking through darkness

magnificent light

rays of light

Day Seven: 13 January 2006

7.10
A foggy morning. Another dream, neither pleasant nor unpleasant.

In London, traveling with the same luggage I have now, apparently wanting to go home after a job interview as a school teacher. But I never made it to the interview, because I left my sleeping bag on the bus. My referee, I distinctly remember it was my tutor while I was teaching at Forest Gate High, called me to ask how the interview went. I lied. I know I lied because I never went. But he revealed that I got the job. As I hurried to go to the place, I got on the bus and told the bus lady “Upton”. She warned me that the place is dangerous and the children are unruly.

Woke up then, already 5.30.

9.25
Third Interview
How do you deal with anger?
Observe the anger, watch it, watch it, label the anger: ‘Anger, anger’. And you will notice the specific characteristics of anger: heat, frustration, impatience, sweating, nervousness. But also notice as you watch anger, the general characteristics of impermanence, unsatisfactoriness, and non-self. Realise that when anger or frustration arises, there is usually a source, a person or an object. But this person or object disappears, and the mind clings onto the feeling of anger, fuelling it more and more.

The mind grabs more reason to be angry, more fuel, and if the anger is not checked by mindfulness, then it will continue.

Note ‘anger, anger’, and watch it rise and fall, note its characteristics.

To overcome the source, think good thoughts, use wise reflection. Send metta and forgiveness to the source object or person. Think positively and the anger or frustration will subside.

Be mindful of all daily activities: eating, drinking, standing, sitting, walking, blinking, opening, writing. However minute or irrelevant, be mindful of them, or else your mind will be disturbed and concentration will be lost.

Be mindful from the moment you wake up, to the moment you lie down. And like in your dream, you too can be mindful in sleep. Intention is the most difficult to note, but practice noting it because it is so suibtle and difficult. It arises suddenly and by the time you note it, it has already disappeared. Note ‘wanting, wanting’, ‘intending, intending’, or even ‘craving, craving’. Note this intention, because it is often the intention which escapes our minds. And they cause the most harm.

Try, try, continue with the practice, and try.

18.37
Why am I afraid of a movement in the dark? It did me no harm. But did cause me to freeze, to tremble, to stand still and to fear.



21.45
A raised, black shadow, with a round smooth head. Movement! Sounds! A cobra?! I shone light against the shadow, and it disappeared.
Only the shadow of the mosquito net pole against the wall…

sunless misty morning

Day Six: 12 January 2006

11.42
Never realized there’s so much anger, frustration in me! And most of all, never realised they were directed at my dad…

Through walking and sitting, even eating and showing and other daily activities the thoughts rise up: words, voices, memories, images, and the people rise up. All circling around dissatisfaction, around not being wanted (or at least feeling as such), around being disapproved of.

How do I deal with such intense and nagging emotions without merely suppressing them with the label ‘thinking, thinking’?

17.15
Second Dhamma talk—Parabale of the Log—really insightful and deep. Learnt more about the importance of being mindful, to note specific and general characteristics of all mental and all physical phenomenon.

The sayadaw is quiet funny and made the audience—made me—laugh. I noted the laughter: the light feeling inside. It came, my eyes squinted, my mouth opened wide, and I made a noise—all at the same time. But a moment later it disappeared. All of that.

18.40
So many sensations just from drinking! The mouth opening, lifting the glass, the glass against the lips, the drinking itself, the flavour against the tongue and inner cheeks, the mouth glands watering, the swallowing, the going down the throat, etc, etc, etc.

Had an hour of walking two rounds around the centre. Such concentration, and less distracted or tempted by thoughts, sounds and movements.

Let the mosquitoes bite. I could feel the itch, the sting against my neck, forehead and temple. But I endured without scratching. For pain and endurance are the keys to nibbana.

And how lucky I was to possess them!

This morning, I dreamt of missing a good friend. Pleasant dream, of hugging her, telling her how much I’ve missed her all this time. Half conscious I lay in bed, but in my mind I noted ‘missing, missing’; and the dream suddenly ended.

And while resting this afternoon, there was an intense dream. As I dreamt and lay half awake, I sensed ‘craving, craving’, and the dream ended too. Is concentration becoming much stronger now?

dense confusion

blurred visions

cloaked wanderer in the mist

Day Five: 11 January 2006

8.36
Feeling so tired! The past hour or so of sitting kept nodding off, however I remind myself that I must focus on the rising and falling of the abdomen. The feeling of sleepiness, perhaps laziness, is overpowering. Even this morning, I woke up just in time for breakfast. Where is this tiredness coming from?

Then I saw this poster outside the meditation hall. Practice is like climbing a mountain: the beginning is always difficult and uncomfortable, and steeped with obstacles. But one must overcome them with steadfast determination and will power.

9.35
Second interview
The kind sayadaw sat and listened intensely, even concerned about the rash on my upper lip.

Forgive those you are angry at, give them compassion, loving-kindness and give them your metta. Don’t dwell in the past. Live in the present and don’t be constrained by time, by planning, and by what is to come. Live in the here and now.

Recognize your thoughts, your sleepiness, your anger, your hearing, your senses, recognize your thoughts, your intentions your desires and dislikes. Recognise them, and be mindful of them.

Don’t be discouraged, don’t be disappointed, don’t be deflated, and don’t be elated either. For they are just moments in time, just sensations, experiences and emotions. Continue, continue with the practice.

And do practice loving-kindness meditation, do give your well-wishes and well-meanings to the world. That will make you feel freeer, fell lighter, make you sleep and live better.

12.20
Just met a friend from Yangon and had a brief chat. Funny as I lay in bed I was just thinking of contacting her, and she came! Very friendly lady, offered to bring me anything I need and to take me around town on the last day.

But as I went back to lie down, my thoughts raced…what to do, what to say, how the day will be, what gift to give, how Thailand will be like etc, etc. Racing, racing continuously, proliferating continuously.

It’s true, five minutes of talking can ruin the whole day’s concentration.

Be mindful!

17.15
There is much anger, much clinging onto the words and actions of people, and they rise up like snakes to disturb my practice.

Much misunderstanding, much wrong, and much conflict resulting in this state of dissatisfaction, frustration and deep regret and sorrow at the events surrounding family affairs.

It’s easy to note: ‘Don’t be fooled by them’. ‘Don’t be carried away by them’. ‘Don’t be tempted by their intensity and their seemingly omnipresent force’.

Letting go is the hardest to let go of.

lone sweeper hard at work

come sun or mist, the path must be tread alone

veiled forest

Day Four: 10 January 2006

11.57
What a start to the day so far. Sitting meditation went ‘poorly’ as I kept falling asleep. Even an hour of walking did not cure sleepiness. I am getting the hang of mindfulness of all actions; though at times I forget too and rush actions through without thinking.

While eating, still distracted y how ‘quickly’ others are; at times looking around to see what other people are doing, and judging whether I’m doing things correctly.
Don’t judge, don’t compare!

Will get some rest now.

18.32
Had a session of Dhamma tape, and realized how important it is to cultivate mindfulness! It is the key to deep concentration, the solution to calm and peace, and eternal happiness. It can not the rising and falling of mental and physical phenomenon, and thereby realise the true nature and experience of Dhamma. Without it, the constant craving and constant aversion twists and turns, while our senses and thoughts will forever spin around our earthly pain and suffering.

Be mindful, not every sensation, every action, every thought, and then there will be peace, then there will be concentration, then there will be insight, and with insight comes the ultimate realization of the nature and experience of Dhamma!

But it is difficult, even the bites of mosquitoes drive the attention away. Even the darkness and sudden unknown movements can shatter peace and calm that have accumulated before.

20.03
The same green, red, golden and fallen leaves turn into venomous, hairy, slimy creatures in the dark of the night…
The same compassionate, loving and caring mother dog turns into a beast which make the heart jump and spine frizzle with fear…

If only for a moment. Recognise fear, see it, face it, let it go.

misty forest

green cover

path of the dark side

moonlit forest

deep reflection of a meditator

full January moon

Day Three: 9 January 2006

5.48
Day went smoothly yesterday until nightfall. As I went back to my kuti, the lights fell and the forest was lit only by moonlight. So many dark patches of tree shadows I dared not go forward. I froze and looked around. Much noise and movements. For many minutes I would not and dared not move, out of fear and expectation to step on snakes, millipedes, toads and whatever else my mind imagine to be there. Then, as I thought about how this same stretch of forest had been so pleasant and warm during the day, my mind changed, and fear went away.

Who knows what I passed by, or what I stepped on. But I told myself, if I could not deal with this small stretch, how could I go into the forest in Thailand?

I’ve managed to overcome the urge to eat at night. Food is excellent here and there are lots to eat.

Wonder how mum and dad are doing…may they be at peace and in harmony and happiness.

16.34
First interview with the sayadaw. Very compassionate and attentive, he listened closely to my accounts, and was very encouraging.

Continue practicing. Observe the Noble Silence. Let one object be on the mind at any one time. Focus on what you’re doing, don’t let thoughts drive and fool you. Confront your fears and see them as they really are.

The coil which seemed to be like a snake was merely a millipede, I later realized. Do it no harm and it will do you no harm. Even a sweet dog can become barking mad and bite!

While sitting earlier, I felt a touch and again fear consumed my whole being. Only when I opened my eyes did I realise it was just the breeze and the mosquito net. Not some monster, not some creepy crawly!

And the thing dangling from the tree I walked into: merely a leaf hanging from a loose spider web. Not some fierce, venomous creature; not some human-eating and killing machine!
Face fear, face reality and realise things and beings as they are, as they really are.

21.40
Just the Lord Buddha and me, in the darkened meditation hall. Mosquito nets hung like umbrellas here and there. I sat where I could see Buddha, and where the Buddha could see me. And I meditated. For a brief few moments, I felt ‘nothing’.

Then came the squealing of puppies, the insect crowls, the ticking of ghekkos, and the ever-continuous chanting in the background.

yard for walking meditation

forest dirtpath

despite harsh circumstances, nature finds a way to grow

forest meditation

Day Two: 8 January 2006

8.40
Woke up at almost four. Practiced walking meditation according to the guide book. Still somewhat foreign to being so slow and attentive. Puppies follow me wherever I go, and they are difficult to ignore. Being so slow, it’s difficult to balance at times.

Sitting meditation was drowsy, and unsure how to feel the rising and falling of the abdomen. Had a quiet but fulfilling breakfast in complete silence. Slow in eating and daily activities is part of the training.

Just watched a video of how to perform the various forms of meditation. Slow down, be attentive and mindful. That’s the training. And as I learned just now, mindlessness results in ants crawling all over your hand!

even a small tree will one day grow tall

kuti in the forest

fallen leaves

Day One : 7th January 2006

8.22　　CKS Airport

Cloudy, cold day. A violent start to the morning, dad throwing abuse and blames left and right. Such delusion and hatred, such misunderstanding and biases and unwillingness to see through things!

Of course, everyone has that, some just more than others. But I don’t blame him. “Let barking dogs bark” as someone once said to me. I’ve made it this far on the journey, nothing more can stop me now from flying higher and flying away.

…
Pity, compassion, understanding. Trying to explain. I’ve done my best to deal with the situation; now to leave, and leave with a clear, untroubled conscience. What will happen will happen. I can’t see, can’t know until I return home again. Even then, I won’t be able to see or know all. So let things be. But I’ll be sure to send my compassion and metta home, to the dear ones I care about.

Nothing more now. Nothing. About to board AE837 to Rangoon (Yangon). A new experience awaits me.

8.44
Two simple words:保重！(take care！) But they brought tears to my eyes.

9.30 On AE837
It’s all behind me now. Soaring, soaring higher and higher. All behind me now. What clear blue there always is to be liberated above dense cloud cover! All behind me now.

May they be happy, harmonious and peaceful.

18.10 Hmawbi centre
Arrived in Yagon safely and was greeted by a contact from the meditation centre. Extremely friendly people and sayadaws (teachers) lead me further to find my way.

Managed to end up somewhere in the forest, not as I had exactly planned. But the accommodation is good: a kuti (forest wooden hut) with toilet and shower. Bare necessities of raised wooden planks for the bed. But more I couldn’t ask for.

Been led around the place; it’s quite a big centre. Humid though, and hot, so it seems I have the wrong clothes and sleepware! Will start life of a yogi (meditatior) tomorrow, and train in the Four Foundations (of Mindfulness), as well as different methods of meditation.

First impressions about Myanmar: dirty, rough, hot and parched. But like Indonesia, it has its charms.

19.47
Occassional power outages now and then. It’s been years since I experienced that, but will get used to it in time.

Saw the first little snake!! Fear consumed me momentarily. Puppies, six of them, followed me home from a stroll in the evening. Sweet.

And this boy who lives here, helped me put on my longyi (traditional dress which is a long version of a kilt) properly. When in Myanmar, dress as the locals do. Time for bed, as tomorrow the training begins.

Sign at Chanmyay Yeiktha Hmawbi

Buddhist prayer

strength to carry on

A note on freedom of expression

I write what I feel and experience, and at no time do I write with the intention to hurt or harm anyone or anything.

Some people have been saying that perhaps my blogs are too vocal, too revealing and too sensitive, and that perhaps I should 'tone down' a bit. But I don't feel I need to censor myself because of what others might or might not say about me and my life.I write because I want to share a slice of my life, so that others can understand and perhaps also relate to. Whether you want to read it or not, that's your choice. But please don't use my blog as a source for gossip and rumour-spreading.

I can't stop you from reading, but please also don't stop me from writing.